My Roller-Coaster Ride

“Let The Wind Come And Blow My Sorrows Away, Let No One See The Endless Tears in My Heart, Coz Someday, Somehow, I Will One Day Find My True Happiness and Peace…”

Simply because I love you so…

Filed under: Uncategorized — yazzy at 6:24 am on Friday, March 30, 2007
Your breathing has become my source of music
The rhythm of your heartbeat echoes my existence in life
Your scent and presence keeps lingering in my mind
Security, warmth and comfort is how I feel when you are around
.
I love to be in your arms
Lying next to you
Feeling loved and wanted
I love to hear your monotonous voice
Whether lecturing or nagging me
It just shows how much I mean to you
Your occasional signs of affections
Makes me feel so comforted
Silly as it may sound,
You have made me feel like a little girl once again
.
Being a part of your life
Knowing I hold that little place in your heart
I tried to hide the key from you
Yet you managed to open the door to mine
Letting you in, allowing you to stir the feelings that I have for you
You are now part of my life
Securing that forbidden space in my once jaded heart
.
My love for you grew in time
As you guided me along life
I fell for you against my own free will
My resistance wavered and shattered
As we spent more time together
You slowly unpeel my layers of protection
Leaving me bare-naked
Making me feel vulnerable once again
Then you gave me something special
By offering your shade to me
.
I told myself over and over again
It didn’t matter at all
Whether who is in your arms
As long as you had yours around mine every now and then
I didn’t have expectations then
I shouldn’t have expectations now
.
Suddenly it starts to hurt so bad
When it begins to matter to me
I stopped in my tracks and ponder
If your heart is with me when we are together
My breathing became irregular
When I wonder where your mind is lingering towards
What or who your mind is thinking of
My heartbeat pounding even harder
As if I am so afraid to know the truth if I ever asked
.
I don’t like guessing games
Neither do I like games that involve feelings
I didn’t mind being the second
Yet now the thought of it makes my heart ache
Why does it matter now
I can’t answer you
What do I want from this
All I can say is, just take the pain away from me
.
We used to say the way things are now
Works well for us both
To a certain extent, yes I must agree
Our personality and character clashes this I know
Yet when you made this statement just the other day
It seems like you are trying to put me in my rightful place
.
I am not asking for more
I only wished you were tactful with your words and your actions
Without knowing, you did things to hurt me bad
These are times when the pain was so unbearable
I have to choke my tears back
Before you notice them flowing down my cheeks
There’s no need for sweet-nothings
You didn’t need to offer your commitment
You have no right to do so
And I have no right to ask for
.
Who am I to you
What does the future holds for us
Does your future even have a place for me to stay
For how long will that be
You once told me this
For as long as you remain standing
I love to stay under your shade
But until I can silence my pain
I wonder how long I can remain
.
To lose the battle and win the war
Or to win the battle and lose the war
The constant fighting between my heart and my head

I would say my heart is overriding any rational thoughts
I have lost the war
I am weak I must admit, there is no denial on my part
I wish I can remain sound asleep, oblivious to my surroundings
Lying in your arms, safe and warm
Without much thought to what will be tomorrow
Taking one day at a time
Enjoying and relishing our moments together
.
Whether I am selfish or naive
The decision lies in you
For this to end, it will be yours to make before I will let go
Yes, I am here to stay
I can’t walk away

Simply because I love you so…

In the eyes of the mirror

Filed under: Uncategorized — yazzy at 6:04 pm on Tuesday, March 27, 2007
In the eyes of the mirror
There I stand, looking at myself
Seeing my reflections
Staring at those eyes
Shows the pain, the confusion, the tears
In the eyes of the mirror
Reflecting the story that unveils bitterness and heartaches
.
I see the scenes playing right before my eyes
I see the main character rumbling into pieces
Doubling up in pain as if her chest has been ripped open
Her heart has been squashed and trampled upon a million times
She knows the situation, she knows the solution
It’s because she knows the harsh truth
That’s why she is tearing apart inside
.
The mirror never lies
The reflection shows only the truth
It was never entirely his fault
She has a part to play
It is the fate that’s been denying her all along
The game she played that went fatefully wrong
That person was never meant to be hers
There was never a single glimpse of future in the beginning
It was doomed to end from the start
The beginning of the end which shouldn’t have been played in the first place
.
She was satisfied with the status quo before
She was contented with what was given to her
Yet the expected has to be dawned onto her now
Now that she has given
Now that she has begun
Now that she has felt and loved
The reality really bites hard
The slap of the unwanted acknowledgement sting like a knife has been plunged into the heart
Slowly twisting and sucking the life out of her
.
People say the pain will go away eventually
She knows it will disappear underneath all that has been buried in her for years
But the initial torment, the torturous ride to hell and back can be oh so overwhelming
When the storm stops, and the sun will shine, rainbow should appear to brighten up the life
Her storm seems so strong; it looks like it’s here to stay for awhile
Her rainbow only consists of the color of dull grey, darkest blue and blackest black
The rain keeps pouring
The tears keeps rolling
Her resistance is faltering
She needs to walk away 
.
She will pick herself up once again
She will see this as a past in the eyes of the mirror
The reflection of fond memories and precious moments
The mirror would have to be broken once again
The cracks will remain, serving as a reminder to that little world of hers
Once she walks, it’s never turning back like before
A choice has to be made
And that choice it will be
.
Let time heal all pain
Numb all feelings
Let time build the wall once again
This time it will not crumble
It shall not collapse like it did
A promise to herself she made
To protect and to be strong
She cannot and shall not fail herself anymore

Lost in the dark alley

Filed under: Uncategorized — yazzy at 6:01 pm on Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Lost in the dark alley,

Shadows merging from the corner of the each wall,

The sound of dripping water from the pipes above,

*drip* *drip* *drip*

The sound just so synchronise with the sobbing that erupted from the chest

.

Suddenly in the dark alley..feeling lost and confused

The noise that is been in the head…the pounding of conflicts in the heart,

The wanting and unwanting desires of feeling once again

The lost one doesn’t know what to do

To hide in that little dark corner

To curl up as if it hurts so much in the heart

To dig harder and uncover the truth

Or to clam up and play nonchalant to the changes

.

It was not too long ago

The shelter of the tree was offered

The sun was bright, the light was warm

Troubles just drifted with the wind as they grow along

The stable tree, a trusty protection

Protected the lost one from the harsh wind

Provided the lost one with shelter and shade for the past years

The tree…a seed was planted and it grew together with the sunlight and water

With the wonderful aid of the tree

.

Outside the alley,

Down the left fork, by the road,

The tree is still standing there, steadily and sturdily

With his open branches of shelter, shining ever so brightly under the sunlight

Why am is the lost one hiding in the alley, lost like a little puppy, sobbing in the heart

Is it time to move on and step out of the shelter and shade

.

But the tree is in the garden of someone’s house

It stands rightfully where it truly belongs

Why does one yearn to have more when contentment was more than enough

Why does one feel something a bit more…

The unfamiliar feeling….the painful truth being dawned right before the eyes

The illusion was created to distort the picture

The tree was never hers

.

With tail between the legs

Whimpering in sadness, looking out of the alley

To look at the tree

Someone has begun to feel

Someone has begun to think

The fear of losing the tree

The fear of losing the shade and shelter

The admission of entering yet another state of vulnerability

Should one stay or should one leave

The tree is calling out

The place will be there….but for how long

Until the leaves wither and fades away

Or when the strength is no longer there to hold on

.

Lost in the dark alley

Crouching in the corner

Shadows as the blanket

Shivering in the cold, numbing the pain in the heart

Creakings of the stoney walls, downing the screams in the head