My Roller-Coaster Ride

To me, happiness is knowing that i will be waking up, having Maia next to me every morning…

To me, happiness is the anticipation of going home after work, knowing that Maia is waiting at the door for me…

To me, happiness is the noisy chatter that Maia makes, which is translated to the most wonderful sound of music to my heart…

To me, happiness is seeing Maia so mischievious and cheeky even till to the very minute she falls asleep…

To me, happiness is to put Maia to bed every night, listening to her sing her l’il songs…

To me, happiness is to hear Maia calls out everyone, even the cat’s name, except "Mommy…"

To me, happiness is to be able to discipline Maia when she is naughty…

To me, happiness is to be able to wipe the tears away from her face, take away her fears and to assure her everything’s going to be alright…

To me, happiness is seeing Maia grow every single day, every single hour, every single minute and every single second…

To me, happiness is having to know, I will be protecting and guiding Maia with my life till the day I leave this world…

To me, happiness is unlocking the Mother’s instinct, to know I can be very brave when it comes to Maia…

To me, Maia is my greatest source of happiness, strength and reason to promise myself to work for a better future for us…

It may be the end of a bad beginning…the end of the road…but not the end of the world…

It may have been a devastating experience in life…but lessons learnt have not been lost….

It may have marked a certain scar in me for long…but to have gain something more valuable cannot be exchanged…

It may be seen as regrets…but seeing Maia, it will be worth the journey to travel through and grow together with her, leaving all baggage of sadness and regrets behind…

Maia - my l’il sunshine in the midst of the gloomy skies…

If I were to say, I really, really, really feel like crying, will anyone think me of being weak? If I were to pour my eyes out because my heart somehow feels so heavy, will it show my vulnerability? Will it be seen through that I am not at all as strong as I wish I made myself to be?

If my tears start rolling despite my fullest control, will there be anyone to see, to hear, to know? If my heart is truly hurting, will it be invisible enough to hide from the world? If I succeed in subduing the hurt I am feeling, will I be numb in time to come? If my sadness show in my eyes, will the laughter I portray be enough to mask my tears?

If I want to talk to someone, will my voice stop quivering? If I keep everything inside me, will they gradually be forgotten? If I keep myself busy, will I be in denial of emotion feelings? If I start to fall on my knees and break down, will I be able to stand up again?

Will I actually still have tears falling like the rain?…or will it be nothing but dry tears?…

Don’t say you love me, coz I don’t believe in love anymore
Don’t say you miss me, coz it’s only a word from your lips, not from your heart
Don’t say you need me, coz no one needs anyone in their life

Don’t say I am yours, coz i belong to no one
Don’t say I am your life, coz we were doing fine when we didn’t know each other
Don’t say I am selfish, coz you were too

Don’t say I am vulnerable, coz I am still standing on my own
Don’t say I am looking for someone, coz I trust no one
Don’t say I am seeking for solace, coz the only comfort is given by no one but myself

Don’t say I was hurt, coz I am still hurting
Don’t say I am sad, coz you can’t see the burning tears
Don’t say comforting words to me, coz you simply can’t feel the pain

Don’t say I am running away, coz I am facing four walls everyday
Don’t say I am skeptical, coz I am just being practical and realistic
Don’t say I am heartless, coz my heart beats for no one else but myself & my girl

Please don’t say anything else, coz nothing you say will mean anything anymore…

If only it were so simple,
to cruise through life smelling roses;
but the obstacles blacken the countryside,
and we unwittingly crush them beneath our boots.

Alone is not a bad way to be;
it clears your head and focuses you on the journey.
Cherish the short intervals during the quest you have with others,
but be prepared to walk alone in the darkness.

A mother’s child is every breath that she takes,
walking hand in hand, they are every step that she makes.

And as their steps will grow to strides,
still a child, in mother’s eyes.

Every ache and pain they shall feel,
mother will share and with love she will kneel.

She will pray to God to take care of her child,
to protect and guide them through every mile.

Her child is the very core of her soul,
from baby in arms to an adult they will grow.

For to a mother, her child will stay,
the precious infant she held that day.

Till death do us part the vow we made
Before death could come we’re now apart
No life asunder we promised ourselves
Asunder we now spend the rest of our lives

In frailty of minds we uttered our feelings
In absolute disregard for the challenges ahead
We’re blind to see what life would bring
With lack of foresight true love was missed

With obstacles in front our love didn’t last
And promises made lay scattered before our eyes
We failed to plan and also planned to fail
With arguments and fights we spent our days

With stress and pain the candid mind was strained
Beautiful roses plucked turned to ugly grasses
Sweet kisses became terrible, hot clashes

Like east and west we now live apart
In time and place with broken dreams and plans
Two hearts that were one have become two again
Blue moments of life could no longer be felt

With strong emotion we tied the love knots
With weak feelings we broke all the cords "For better for worse, till death do us part"…
Is now "for better we’ve stayed, for worse we’ve gone"…

Words are only words…words are alphabets like A, B, C that are formed into letters like "you and me", which are used in sentences "i love you"…words are used in colorful ways to beautify a picture in your mind…words are used for promises we make..promises made are words that cannot be trusted…and often broken..how do we measure the level of truth in the words that we say?

Flattery, compliments, sweet nothings whispered to your ears are words portarying desires of selfish needs and vanity of life. What that is not said from your lips is the truth showed in your eyes…the truth in your eyes will mirror what’s in your thoughts…

Words of commitment mean nothing because the words are used to promise you the moon and the stars and the everything in life…Commitment, love, trust and respect should come in the form of actions…not through the form of words, whereby all said are forgotten as time fades…

Lies are conceived by using beautiful words…Words such as these - hate, detest, resent, despise, anger, betrayal, bastard…cannot even describe the burning tears and deep gash of stabbings one feels when the hurt pentrates into the bones…

Excuses are made by words…words used to pardon your own wrongdoings and failures. Sorry is so commonly used…the meaning has been long lost and abused. What’s the point of saying "I’m sorry" when the damage has been done that a single sorry cannot be reversed the pain and trust that has been lost? You should have known better to have commited betrayal to the heart…

What are words compared to actions? People say things quite often to get things their way…people use words to manipulate one’s mind and heart. To action your words is to do what is asked of you and not to make promises that it will be…when things are promised too much and the end result is a point blank disappointment, you will find darkness rather than light towards the end of your life…

So i ask myself, What’s there to believe in, to look forward to in life when it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth after awhile? I guess the best way to look at life is to tell yourself, ups and downs are part and parcel of growing up…what we are going through is a fraction of lessons to be learnt in life…there will be the sour and bitter, sweet and salty taste that we have to go through in order to appreciate the icing of our life… All i need to do is to train myself to see beyond what is said and promised…to distrust and ignore flowery words and not see & hear what i choose to

"HaPpiNeSs iS sO OfTen BLiNdLy SoUght aFtEr , tHaT oNe TenDs tO OvErLoOk ThE LiEs tO GeT ThAt FaLsE FeELiNgS…BuT tHe SuFFeRiNg StArTs WhEn ThE PaiNFuL TrUtH HiTs ThE HeArT…HaPpiNeSs ShOuLdn’T bE DePeNdEnT oN oNe’S BeAuTiFuL SwEeT-NoThiNgs aNd EmPtY PrOmiSeS bUt On oUr OwN AbiLiTy tO AcHiEvE ThAt LeVel…CoZ ThiS wiLL bE a LoNg-StAnDiNg, TrUe HaPpiNeSs ThAt CaNnOt bE rEpLaCeD."

Who’s to decide in life how things will turn out? Who’s to say life’s good or bad? Who’s to tell this is the right or wrong choice in life? The answer lies within…yourself.

Of late, i have been feeling blue…down on my mood…why? Coz of the issues i have to face. It always seem so tempting to find an easy way out, to dump all my troubles, woes and sorrows to someone else…but then again, how long is this temporary relief going to last? Or juz not pursue the problems any much more and be ignorant, return to the old life?…this will be more torturing than relief…

The road i took that day marked my life forever…the decision i have made today is to amend the mistakes and start afresh…But, can things be start afresh, with no haunting past? Will the scars heal over time? Will there be peace?

The frustrations i feel inside, the hurt that has been so deep, the growing resentment towards one is so great that i have become a person i have not seen before. I stopped crying for a long while now…what’s crying when it shows vulnerability? All the negativity in me is so overwhelming, it’s so hard to breathe at times…

Who can i talk to who will not pass judgment? Who will juz stand by me without wanting to know the whole story and ask questions after questions? Who can lend me a shoulder to cry on but not probe? Honestly, this shows weakness and i dun wan to be weak. I can’t afford to be weak. I will and have to be strong. I dun need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear…i onli need my strength and blind faith that i am being guided somehow by someone to somewhere better.

Do you know what you want in life? Does anyone know what they want in life? I seriously doubt so…most people know what they dun want after having to taste it. They get closer to what they want after eliminating the choices from the list, but not necessarily know what they realli want. (Do i make sense?)

Anywayz, i know this depressing phase will pass, but how long will it take? It took me 3 years to accumulate all the "Don’t wants" and all the problems….guess it will take much longer to recover from this state.

Now itz the realization that nothing is forever, nothing will last coz nothing is as real as it is…i need to build a thicker shield for protection…to protect myself, to protect the l’il one..it’s my duty to see that my pumpkin will learn the rights and wrongs of life and make wise decisions.

It is not regrets that build a person’s life….but its the ability to move on from there and one day, turn back, stand up high to say,"I’ve done it, and i have learned and grown from that!"

Well, i am about done now…maybe tomorrow will be a better day…if not next week, or next month…however distant and dim the light seems to me now, i know one day i will reach there and be the person to shout out loud, " I am finally HERE."