My Roller-Coaster Ride

Yet another day has passed
I feel the emptiness inside me
Loneliness seem to be here to stay
Gone were the laughter and chit chatting
Missing our Sunday lunch dates
All I wanted was your companionship

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In just a phone call
Everything has to be stopped
Time standstill to the last time I saw you
Never did I thought that will be our last rendezvous
Taken by surprise I did
But we have to do the right thing
To walk away from all these
Saving us the heartaches and pain

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Never did I dream of this to last
Never hoped that it will end so soon
Never will I cry as I walk away
This will soon fade to memory of the past
I will become next to nothing in your heart

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I was indeed a fool to allow you close to my heart
In my moment of vulnerability
I actually wished things could be different
You brought much laughter
You brought much fun
Spontaneity lights up my life
I was very happy then
Guess it’s time to say goodbye and
Never look back

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Say your goodbyes
Wipe your flowing tears away
Nothing is being lost here
You shall live your life as it has been
I shall take my flight and fly to the next stop
Until we meet again, do take care
Be strong for yourself

I was told that I always put up a strong front
I act all strong, stubborn and head strong
The reason is simply so that no one can see the person that I am
I don’t like to express myself
I hate to allow people to see my weakness or that I am capable of feeling vulnerable

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Sometimes I wish I don’t have to put up such a strong front
Sometimes I wish I can cry like a normal person
Innate me feels so weak and so fragile
So brittle that I can fall and break into many million pieces
I can’t afford to do that…I won’t be able to pick myself up again if I do

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There are times when I wish I can express myself better
To say that actually it matters alot to me
Yet I know if my voice speaks out, it will fail to be steady
I don’t want to complicate things more than it already is
Sometimes I wish I could be void of all feelings
So that when I am faced with sadness, hurt, pain, disappointment
I do not know it is them
Does ending it all make life a bit more easier
Or by living it through day by day makes one lose its feelings and be numb to the surrounding
There are so many consequences in life to think about
Life is simply so cruel that when one makes a choice
It seems like it will inevitably hurt an innocent party

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I don’t know what I wish to express in this post of mine
Too many things in my mind clouding my ability to write
Too many issues to face making me feel once again useless
I wonder why and how did I ever get myself implicated with emotions again
But when I am with him, these things do not seem to come into picture
Suddenly reality strikes again…the cold harsh truth has found its way to hit right in the face

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I don’t want to wish anymore
I don’t want to hope anymore
Can I be selfish for once and say
I want things to happen right for once
I want things for us to be set straight so that we can move on together in life
But what if life has nothing planned for us but constant hurt, pain, deceit, disappointment
Then what should we be looking forward to?
Being honest to myself for one, I only want to look forward to spending my happiest times with you and to share my sadness with you…

.

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A childhood song to remind me…let nature takes its course, we cannot see what the future lies ahead for us…live life to the fullest, take whatever comes in stride, be it happiness, sadness, disappointments…at least our time together will be my happiest moments I can ever have dream of…

Shutting away is my foremost intention from the beginning….shutting away to me is a way of protecting myself….chances r not given, u create it yourself….for those who are deemed unfit or not strong enough to persist, are most welcome to leave in any point of time…giving a chance to them to love is also giving them a chance to hurt..i have never requested anyone to come near me…i have always forewarn the dangers lurking ahead and disappointment laid out

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Giving myself another chance to actually believe in others makes me feel like a fool…no doubt my friends will start their family of their own….at least i know i still have them to believe in…i won’t be as disappointed in them either…i dun need anyone i reckon…coz i believe my family will be around…who is the other person that will devote his time to me or love me or spend his life with me? who am i to him? who is he to me? Why should i? why should he?

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juz another person he or i have chosen…chosen to say i will be with him/her, to go thru thick n thin n crap like these….but at the end of the day, they r still juz another person…who has no blood relations whatsoever with u…Wat makes u think they will remain in your life 4ever?

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Every ride is a joy ride….every ride will has its destinations…and finally every ride will have to come to a stop eventually. And you have to alight with another baggage of burden, unhappiness and disappointment once again…

Cloud 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…it’s back to the world of reality
The world of dark truth
The world of deceive
The world of hurt
The world of lies
The world of betrayal

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I don’t understand
I doubt i will ever
How one keep opening up their lives and heart to others
Thinking naively that they need love, someone to share their lives with
The feeling of being wanted, the feeling of being loved, the feeling of being held in warm arms
Never to be let go, never to be hurt, never to be betrayed

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It’s so frustrating for me to know
The disillusion we go through
Throwing ourselves in the pit of fire over and over again
Subjecting ourselves to deep gash of hurt, endless deceit, unkind lies, cruel betrayal, continual ridicules and damaging jokes of life

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I will not deny I am doubtful
I must admit that I am cynical
There are many things that I have seen and went through to make me skeptical
But at least my life is guarded intensely
The walls of barrier are built with steel to prevent penetration of any kind
The heart is harden, the mind is set
The door is locked, with no keys to be found
Rest assure, I will be fine, with scars to carry
I have played the game and failed
My strategy is to be my own master

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Cloud Nine is nothing but a fool’s bliss
Everyone hope to be on Cloud Nine forever
Tricked into believing the feelings to be true and lasting
But once you are bitten by reality, the fall will be unbroken
That’s when Cloud Nine becomes the Mother of all lies…Reality Bites

As dim as the light may seem
As heavy as the weight may be
I am trying to take everything at its stride

No matter what it will be
How ever it may end
Time will not stand still
Problems will not disappear
Issues are to be dealt one by one

So why the bitter look?
Why the sad face?
Why the heavy heart?
It is up to one self to stay positive
To determine your own future
Where it begins and how it shall end

Look around for warm hearts
Look around for loving arms
Those who are surrounding you
will lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on

There’s no need to search for another
Coz there’s nobody you can trust, but yourself
Stand on your own, gain your independency
Rely on no one, that’s a strength to be proud of

Don’t live in your dreams
Fantasies and wishes don’t come true
Reality bites, but that’s how our lives will abide by
Fool yourself, you will be the foolish one at the end

Live to learn
Learnt and dont forget the lesson taught
You won’t get hurt once you build the defence wall
Strategise your game well
The rule of the game is to be the hunter & predator
AND emerge as the WINNER when you hurt no more…